Blue Bulls player: “Doctor, doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror – I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?”
Doctor: “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”
A rugby referee died and went to heaven. Stopped by St Peter at the gates he was told that only brave people who had performed heroic deeds and had the courage of their convictions could enter. If the ref could describe a situation in his life where he had shown these characteristics, he would be allowed in.
“Well,” said the ref, “I was reffing a game between the Blue Bulls and Natal Sharks at Loftus Versveld. The Bulls were 2 points ahead, 1 minute to go. The Natal wing made a break, passed inside to his lock. The lock was driven on by his forwards, passed out to the flanker who ducked blind and went over in the corner. However, the flanker dropped the ball before he could ground it, and as Natal were clearly the better side all game, I ruled that he had dropped the ball down, not forward, and awarded the try.”
“OK, that was fairly brave of you, but I will have to check it in the book.” says Peter, and disappears to look it up. When he comes back he says “Sorry, there is no record of this. Can you help me to trace it? When did all this happen?”
The ref looked at his watch and replied “45 seconds ago.”
2 boys are playing cricket on a field in Durban, one is attacked by a vicious Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy took his cricket bat and managed to wedge it down the dog’s collar and twist,luckily breaking the dog’s neck and stopping its attack. A reporter sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
“Young Sharks Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal, “he starts writing in his notebook.
“But I’m not a Sharks fan,” the little hero replied.
“Sorry, since we are in Durban, I just assumed you were,” said the reporter and starts again.
“Western Province Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack …”
“I’m not a Western Province fan either!” the boy said.
“I assumed everyone in Durban was either for the Sharks or Western Province.” “So what team DO you root for?”
“I’m a Blue Bulls fan!” the child beamed.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
“Little Bastard from Pretoria Kills Beloved Family Pet
Little Willie was in his junior school class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up;-
Fireman, policeman, salesman, politician; Willie was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
“My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer’s really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap room and let them shag him.”
The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring and then took Little Willie aside.
She asked him, “Is that really true about your father?”
“No,” said Willie, “My father plays rugby for the Blue Bulls, but I was just too embarrassed to say”.
Dear Dr Ruth,
I am a crack dealer in Kempton Park, Gauteng. I was recently diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in Hillbrow and one of my sisters, who lives in Benoni, is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother were recently arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Brakpan. I have two brothers; one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Leeukop Central Prison for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.
I recently got engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Yeoville. She is now a part time “working girl”. All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her. Should I tell her that my cousin is Luke Watson?
An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. “Well” said the doctor, “this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain”. “That’s OK” said the Englishman. “I’ve always wanted to be Irish and I’m prepared to take the risk”.
The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. “I’m so terribly sorry!!” the doctor said. “Instead of removing half the brain, I’ve taken the whole brain out”. The patient replied, “No worries, mate!!”
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, “Where have you been?”
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look Michael, look what I’ve made.” Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”
“It’s a planet, replied God, “and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance”.
“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
“For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.”
“Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people” God continued, pointing to different countries. “And over there, I call this place America.
North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?”
“Yes” said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, “What’s that one?”
“Ah” said God. “That’s New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found traveling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I’m also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them”.
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, “You said there will be BALANCE!”
God replied wisely. “Wait until you see the buggers I’m putting next to them”