But I find myself questioning it all – should Formula One be a circus primarily designed to entertain the crowds, or should it be the pinnacle of motorsport designed to determine who can build the best car, and then drive it to glory?

Lets examine a few sports a bit closer…

TENNIS

When a guy like Rafael Nadal (or Roger Federer, or Pete Sampras) is good enough dominate, then they are allowed to reign for five or ten years – regardless of how boring or uncompetitive the sport becomes. The concept of having to play a match with only seven sets of tennis balls that are designed to degrade faster, forcing the players to adapt to a soft ball towards the end of its life just to spice up the tennis – is quite frankly ludicrous. Would you force tennis players to have to wear two different brands of tennis shoe during a match, or carry water on their backs as a penalty for their world ranking? Of course not – it would be absurd.

GOLF

Nobody complained when Tiger Woods was winning everything in sight – in fact he has been the biggest drawcard golf has ever had. Could you just imagine if these same self-serving puppet-masters could randomly remove a club from a players’ bag? Or have degradable balls that only last eight holes – a player would need to derive a strategy for getting around the course with a soft ball, or else incur a penalty for taking a new one. That’s just not golf, and the purists would simply stop watching the sport.

CRICKET

OK, nobody can dispute that the IPL Twenty20 is a circus – just close your eyes and swing, with dancing girls, colour and music. But lets rather look at “proper” cricket – the limited-overs game, and good old-fashioned Test cricket. Patience and , classic strokes the order of the day. Third umpires and review systems, while not yet perfect, are certainly the way to go. There is no glitz or glamour, and they don’t change the game – all that happens is that a player is almost guaranteed of just getting a fair decision – and nobody can ask for more.

I do dislike the “free hit”, “super-subs”, on-field microphones and other such gimmicks. Imagine how one could desecrate this game into a circus – 11 batsmen get to bat – they then get substituted with a combination of 11 Jonty Rhodes (in the field) and Dale Steyns for bowling. The argument for this is that the public would get to see 11 of the best batsmen, facing the best bowlers – after all – who is entertained by watching a bowler try to bat? But then it would no longer be called cricket – as has been played by gentlemen for decades, if not hundreds of years. If a sport has survived unchanged for this long – then leave it be. If not – then it’s probably not that much of a sport to begin with.

BACK TO FORMULA ONE THEN

I think reports of randomly causing artificial rain on a track is crazy – teams and drivers are doing their very best to win races, and the puppet-masters are continually looking for ways to make the race more unpredictable and more difficult in the interests of amusing the spectators.

The current KERS and DRS also seems artificial – to see the slowest car on the track potentially blast past the fastest (assuming he was within one second at some arbitary corner before the straight) somehow just doesn’t gel. Having cars (tyres) by design degrade by large margins after 5-10 laps, and then have to pop in and get a second, third, fourth or fifth set is cheesy, and very “Playstation-like”. In addition – isn’t it just over-complicating something that should be quite simple? Who is monitoring if drivers use their DRS (or KERS) in places where they are not allowed to – and what are their penalties if they do? Would they really give race-leader Fernando Alonso at the Spanish Grand Prix a 10 second “stop-go” because he inadvertantly opend his rear wing at the wrong place? Or do they need to develop new systems to only allow DRS to be activated between two specified points on the track? If they are serious about cutting costs, then stop requiring teams to develop silly little tricks and gimmicks like this!

What’s next – having remote-controls (in the hands of the puppet-masters) that can cause an engine to blow, wheels to lock up, engines to lose KERS ability and then have it re-instated, gearboxes to “lose” a gear – the mind just boggles, and it wouldn’t surprise me if Formula One lost more followers than it ever did during those “monotonous years”.

THE GREAT ECONOMY RUN

I agree that costs are high and need to be curbed – but I strongly disagree with anything that makes Formula One look like a cost-saving, budget-orientated economy run. Last week at the Spanish Grand Prix the teams reduced qualifying to a farce by only doing one run (some not at all) in the interests of saving their tyres. Surely that’s not what Formula One is about?

I accept the eight-engines-per-season rule – that is fine, and reasonable – a team that can’t make do with that deserves to be penalised. But when restrictions and penalties “remove the race from the race” it is taking something away from the spectator – everyone wants to see the fastest ten cars and drivers thrashing it out in “Quali 3″ – with no restrictions of fuel or tyres.

Everyone wants to see the fastest car at the front – the current approach seems to throw as many curve balls at the teams, and whoever has the best strategy will win – and that just plain sucks!

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There have been some pretty awesome opening bat pairings – Sachin Tendulkar and Saneth Jayasuriya’s 137 runs for the first wicket at St Georges Park last night was breathtaking. Or Adam Gilchrist and Herschelle Gibbs – also yesterday – I don’t think I’ve ever seen Gilly hit it so sweetly.

The old guys (read 35+) have been showing the young guys a clean pair of heels. Big performances by Matthew Hayden, Adam Gilchrist, Shane Warne, Saneth Jayasuriya, Sachin Tendulkar and Herschelle Gibbs – even Rahul Dravid has a strike rate of over 120!

Some of those who didn’t get paid 1.5 million USD, but who proving to be great bargains. AB de Villiers for the Dehli Daredevils at only 300K, or Yousuf Pathan for the Rajasthan Royals. Hayden and Gibbs too are proving great value for money – whatever they were paid.

The crowd support has been fantastic (Newlands, St Georges Park and Durban at least). These grounds now get a rest, and the IPL moves inland to Johannesburg and Centurion. Surprisingly, the atmosphere at St Georges Park has seemed to be the most lively and festive of all, even though the ground only holds about 13,000. Good on you Port Elizabeth, and your brass band!!!

The IPL’s HEAT initiative – providing funding and sponsorship to students and schools of South Africa – it’s an awesome initiative – a BIG THANK YOU – IPL!

The cheerleaders – need I say more?

WHAT’S NOT

Kevin Pieterson by now must surely be the only person left on the planet that thinks he’s seriously cool, a great cricketer and a team player. On the one occasion he didn’t get a duck, and with his team in trouble, one might have thought that he would put his team first, and play with some responsibility (granted it is still T20). But no – he just can’t resist being an irrepresible show-off, trying to play his sad little “switch-hit”. Its always just about you KP – and I really feel sorry for those who paid 1.5 million USD to have you in the team!!! This time let it be me that categorically states “you are NOT a South African!!!”.

Chris Gayle and Brendan McCullam on paper should be an awesome opening pairing for the Kolkata Knight Riders. But they just haven’t yet fired – and Gayle will be leaving soon.

A batting order with the top three containing Jaques Kallis and Rahul Dravid for the Royal Challengers Bangalore – although in fairness both have been adapting to this game, and are surprisingly both have strike rates above 120. But compared to the explosive performances that other opening combinations have – it is just not enough.

Apologies to the Royal Challengers Bangalore – this seems all about you. But its not surprising considering that you are holding the last place on the log, and unlikely to change it. The team just has no team spirit, no sense of unity, and certainly no will to win. They look like a bunch of guys who just have to pitch up and play in order to get their USD. And I blame a lot of this on Kevin Pieterson – he is just a one-man-show – and should NEVER be put in charge of other people – it is just not going to work!!! Prediction – when KP leaves and Jaques Kallis takes over as captain – it will be a changed team.

The Super Over is great in concept – but for heaven’s sakes – does it need to take as long to bowl two overs as it does to play an innings? The batsmen and bowlers need to be identified and nominated before the start of the game. In a sport where everything happens so quickly, where the batsmen sit in dugouts on the field so as to save time – can we not bowl two overs with “known” participants in under half an hour?

Interviews with people in the crowds – with responses limited to “yes”, or “no”. Not interesting enough for the viewers.

Even though it’s all about the sponsor DLF – it gets quite annoying hearing about “DLF Maximums” instead of “sixes” – especially when Tendulkar and Jayasuriya are batting.

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The fascination with international stars does not end there. Among those cricketers bought at IPL auctions, seven of the top 10 earners were foreigners. “This whole talk of IPL being a domestic Indian tournament is a joke,” former India captain Ajit Wadekar told AFP. “It is Indian money, our country’s money on which foreigners are thriving. But they do not think twice before sacking an Indian.”

India star Mohammad Kaif, 28, was shown the door by Rajasthan Royals two days before the IPL’s second season started in South Africa because skipper Shane Warne said “he did not fit into the scheme of things”. The removal of Kaif, who has played 13 Tests and 125 one-day internationals, left many fuming. “It has exposed the complete ruthlessness of the owners,” said Sharda Ugra, sports editor of the respected India Today magazine. “Eventually for them it’s business first.

Unfortunately the Indians seem to be losing out, even the great players.” India’s most successful Test captain Sourav Ganguly was replaced at the helm of Kolkata Knight Riders by New Zealander Brendon McCullum, a move masterminded by their cricket head, former Australian coach John Buchanan. Rahul Dravid was dumped as captain of Bangalore Royal Challengers after Kevin Pietersen came on board this year while Venkatsai Laxman was sacked as skipper of Deccan Chargers in favour of Adam Gilchrist. When Pietersen leaves the IPL in early-May due to England commitments, South African Jacques Kallis will take over as captain for the rest of the season.

Wadekar said he wished Indian coaches were taken on by the rich owners. “Some of the foreign coaches have not even played Test cricket, that’s why they don’t know how to respect talent at the international level. No wonder, players like Ganguly are being ill-treated.” Ugra fears it may not be long before the restriction on four foreign players per match is removed.

“There was already an attempt to amend the rules and have six foreigners in a playing eleven before the auction this year, but luckily it was shot down,” she said.

Article courtesy of Sports365 , Thu, 23 Apr 2009

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South Africa will stage the 2009 Indian Premier League after officials decided to move the Twenty20 tournament to a neutral venue because of security fears due to the elections taking place simultaneously in India. Ironically South Africa will be holding their own general elections during the tournament, and one hopes all goes smoothly.

England was the alternative choice for the highly-lucrative event, but IPL chairman Lalit Modi confirmed South Africa as hosts. Modi said after the meeting: “We are very happy to confirm that South Africa will host the 2009 DLF Indian Premier League tournament.

Gerald Majola, CSA said : “The South African public loves T2O cricket and CSA successfully hosted the inaugural ICC World T20. Both of these factors weighed heavily in South Africa’s favour, and we look forward to a successful and exciting tournament being held at venues throughout South Africa.”

“This event will strengthen the ties even further between South African and Indian cricket, as well as binding our nations even closer together.

“We are looking forward to hosting some of the world’s best cricketers, and we can assure them they will be provided with the very best facilities to show their skills.

The Teams

The Grounds

The Wanderers Stadium, Johannesburg

Newlands, Cape Town

Kingsmead, Durban

St Georges Park, Port Elizabeth

Supersport Park, Centurion

De Beers Diamond Oval, Kimberly

Outsurance Oval, Bloemfontein

Buffalo Park, East Londen

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I hope you enjoy these ones…

Rock Paper Scissors League

Exerpt from Wikipedia:

The United States of America Rock Paper Scissors League is a national competition league for the hand game rock paper scissors. The first national champion was crowned on 9 April 2006 at the USARPS League Championship, which was held at the Mandalay Bay Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada and televised by the A&E Network on 12 June. The champion is awarded a $50,000 cash prize.

See: Official USARPS website

Tuna Chucking

A very interesting sports competition is taking place in Australia – tuna throwing. The contestants twirl the frozen fish around above their heads (a rope is tied to fish’s tail) and then toss it far ahead vigorously. Sean Carlin, a former Olympic hammer thrower is the absolute champion in the tuna-throwing competition. His record is 37.23 meters, the local Adventure newspaper wrote.

Fortunately (for the environment, economy and plain common sense), organizers of the Tunarama Festival, held each January in Port Lincoln on the remote Eyre Peninsula, are altering the highlight event – by replacing the actual tuna with polyurethane replicas. Previously, the tail came off, the fins came off, the eyes fell out and then the underbelly broke, and it really got to be extremely messy.

See: Daily Waste

Bog Snorkelling

This year a record number of entrants donned a snorkel, flippers, and in many cases fancy dress, to cover 120 yards in a peat bog in Llanwrtyd Wells, Powys, Mid Wales. Just to make it that bit harder, they weren’t allowed to swim using conventional strokes, with officials insisting they doggy paddle or hold their arms out in front of them. Despite the rain, which turned the car park into something resembling a bog itself, hundreds of people turned out to witness the eccentric spectacle. Competitors came to the event from as far afield as Australia. Some took part in their pyjamas, some in camouflage – and one man even had an ironing board and iron strapped to his back.

See: Metro

Stinging Nettle Eating

Nettles first came to the fore at the Bottle Inn around 1986 when two farmers were having an argument as to who had the longest nettles on their land. The Landlady then was Francis Vincent who commented “What makes you to think you have the longest nettles, we’ll have a competition open to every one in the area and we’ll see who has the longest nettles”! The Longest Stinging Nettle Competition was born. The competition had been running for three years when local hospital porter and Ex Guardsman, Alex Williams entered a stinging nettles 15’6″ long, he said at the time “If anybody beats that I’ll eat it.

An American couple on holiday staying in the area came up with a nettle 16′ long and Alex true to his word, promptly ate the nettle!! (though to this day, he disputes the measurement). After that traditionally if Alex didn’t win the competition, he ate the winners Nettle. In 1997, when Shane Pym became landlord of The Bottle Inn, he decided to have a musical celebration of the Summer Solstice, the idea being a kind of Medieval Fayre with jugglers, stilt walkers etc.. One night at the bar looking for something as a side show to the event we now call Midsummer Madness we suggested to Alex that we might put him in a corner of the beer garden and and challenge anybody to eat more nettles than he could.

As Alex pointed out throughout the course of the day he was likely to consume a great deal of stinging nettles, we therefore decided to run a competition calling it the World Stinging Nettle Eating Challenge and putting Alex forward as pub Champion. Thus was the Stinging Nettle Eating Challenge born. It has been a successful competition gaining much media interest nationally and inter-nationally.

See: The Bottle Inn

Swamp Soccer

Swamp Soccer originates from the swamps of Finland in northern Europe. Started by some cross country skiers who were training in the swamps during the summer months, Finland held its first tournament in 1997 with 13 teams. Now this event has become a massive football competition with over 200 teams. Annual tournaments now also occur in Sweden, Iceland and of course the UK.

See: Swap Soccer

Cheese Rolling

If you’re a whiz at cheese rolling, you may want to head to Brockworth in Gloucestershire, England, at the annual Cooper’s Hill Cheese Roll held each May. The ancient festival dates back hundreds of years and involves pushing and shoving a large, mellow, seven- to eight-pound wheel of ripe Gloucestershire cheese downhill in a race to the bottom. With the wheels of cheese reaching up to 70 miles per hour, runners chase, tumble, and slide down the hill after their cheese but don’t usually catch up until the end. The winner gets to take home his or her cheese, while the runners-up get cash prizes.

See: How stuff works

He left the McLaren-Mercedes team midway through 2006 to pursue a career in NASCAR, and after two years away from the sport, appears to have no regrets about leaving Formula One. “Formula One drivers are convinced that they’re so much better than anyone else,” Montoya, who races for the Chip Ganassi team, said. “When I was in F1, every week I was on the podium. It was cool, but is it satisfying? It wasn’t, because it was the most boring races. The guy who started in front of you would drive away from you and the guy who was behind you would drop away from you, unless you messed up in qualifying and then you need to have a different pitstop strategy to beat them.”

Whereas Formula One revels in the romantic notion of presenting the zenith of style and grace, Nascar delights in being bold, brash and loud. The supercharged road cars steam around predominantly oval tracks, with hundreds of overtaking manoeuvres per race. Fans park their motorhomes on the track infield, barbecuing and drinking as the drivers race around them. At the end, the race winner does not spray Moët et Chandon, but Budweiser.

“It’s boring,” Montoya said. “It’s a shame because the technology these cars have and the amount of companies that are involved is unreal. I don’t know how big companies do it for such a long time without results.”

In Nascar, there are more than 40 cars racing wheel to wheel for up to three hours. “It’s harder here,” Montoya said. “When you run fifteenth, sometimes you think it sucks. But look at the big picture: fifteenth here is like sixth or seventh in F1, because there are twice as many cars. The incredible thing is here I run fifteenth or twentieth on average and there are four or five weeks in the year where I have a chance of winning. In F1 if you run sixth or seventh, you run sixth or seventh the whole year.

“It doesn’t matter if you’re running for the lead, or for 30th, you’re always racing somebody. That’s much better.”

Juan Pablo Montoya’s Pedigree

His 2008 record

During 2008 he competed in 36 races, completing 96% of the laps. He had no wins or poles, and ended with a ranking of 25. He had two top 5 finishes, and three top 10′s. His best result was a 2nd place at Aaron’s 499 on April 27.

I just don’t get oval circuit racing

What is it about oval circuit racing that grabs the imagination of the American’s? Please don’t get me wrong – I’m not knocking it – its just that I don’t see the attraction for seeing 30-40 equally matched cars, stuck in top gear an at maxuimum revs, following each other around a small oval track. There are no corners, no driving skill in the traditional sense (although I realise that it must take some pretty awesome car control to keep a car at high speed on banked circuits), no real overtaking – just the slipstreaming behind the cars in front. In a 200 lap race, the pace car can come out several times, bunching the field right up to where they were when they started. What is the point then of trying to break away and establish a lead? I just far prefer the European Formula One series instead of the American IndyCar series, and for instance the Australian V8′s instead of NASCAR – there’s just more to it – high speed straights, slow corners, heavy braking zones – and it just seems more like racing.

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I don’t care if this new “batters powerplay” has introduced a whole new dimension for the viewing public – “its just not cricket“. I dislike any form of powerplay, and I’m really pleased that much vaunted supersub disaster was dropped before too long. I don’t mind all of these gimmicks in Pro20 – like on-field microphones, heartrate monitors, free hits and the like. By all means, try out these things in domestic competetions, and let Pro20 be a playground – but please, please – don’t corrupt Test and ODI cricket.

Can you imagine tainting the other “purists’” sport – golf? Let’s make every golfer have to tee off with a 5-iron on at least one par 5. Or how about forcing the players to swap their putter with their playing partner – all in the interest of making it more interesting for the spectators. Or how about making the Formula One cars have to race towing a trailer, or a caravan? Imagine what that would do to spectator viewing interest. How about making the tennis players play one game per set with their “wrong” hand, or else make them tie their shoelaces together, or make them carry a backpack while playing? Imagine how much the spectators would enjoy that!

These suggestions are obviously very much tongue-in-cheek – yet cricket is actually implementing some of these steps. Come on cricket – how about going back to your roots – back to the original game. When two equally matched teams are competing, you won’t need tricks and illusions to make it attractive to the viewing public. By all means let Pro20 be your glitz and glamour spectator special, but please, please keep Test and ODI cricket pure!

Strength vs Strength

When cricket provide close encounters, as South Africa vs Australia has been this summer, or India vs Australia, or the classic Ashes – the whole world sits glued to the screen. Many of these games go down to the wire, and both teams have wins, and both have losses. Who needs Pro20 if we could have more 438 games?

But cricket becomes boring when for example Australia post 350-plus in their allocated 50 overs, and then watch Bangladesh, Zimbabwe or sometimes West Indies make no effort whatsoever to chase the score, but rather use this opportunity as 50 overs of batting practice, and end up with 140/7 after a most tedious afternoon.

Would it not be possible to have something like they do in other sports – for instance a premier league where the top eight teams of the ICC play against each other, and a B league – where perhaps the next eight teams will play each other. Every six months or year, the bottom premier team and the top B league team swap places, or at least have a playoff. Admittedly it would be difficult to implement with tours scheduled possibly years ahead, but nonetheless.

Again, no disrepect intended, but games against Bangladesh or Zimbabwe aren’t really worth watching. However a B-league with teams like Bangladesh, Zimbabwe, Ireland, Holland and Kenya might make for some interesting viewing – and I’d certainly rather watch South Africa play the top team of this league, than Zimbabwe on an off day (or year)!

World Cup training ground

In all of the other major sporting disciplines, players or teams need to earn enough points to qualify or be eligible to play in their premier events. In golf there are the four majors, in tennis – the four Grand Slams. Not so in cricket however! For some or other unfathomable reason – (unless its all about making the event as big as possible so as to maximise profits) – teams that are not good enough to play international cricket make up half of the field for the World Cup. If there are sixteen teams playing (four teams in four groups) there are 24 games before we get to the SuperSix round. Of these 24 games twelve are mismatches – like South Africa vs Holland, or Australia vs Bahamas. No wonder people lose interest way before the end of the tournament. They say it is all about “growing” the game and providing “lesser” nations with international experience. I’d love to be invited to play in The Masters at Augusta, or at Wimbledon – in the interest of “gaining experience”!

No, the World Cup is rather where the cream of the crop should come together to determine the best of the best – it isn’t a training ground. I would far rather see the tournament start with the top eight teams (ICC rankings as at a specified date) that regularly play international cricket, and then all of these teams play all other teams other for points. At the end the top four can go into a traditional knockout stage. Ireland, Kenya or the Seychelles have no place at a Cricket World Cup – with no disrespect intended to these countries. If my memory serves me correctly the first World Cup South Africa played in after re-admission was played along these lines – and was by far the most memorable for me. This last one in West Indies lasted about two months – and was about one month too long. Too many games were just insignificant!

IPL Pro20 and other pay-for-cricket options

I love my cricket, but in all honesty I didn’t watch one single game of the IPL – there were just too many games, I didn’t really identify with any of the teams and it all just smacked of $$$.

A lot of people I know feel the same – in fact it wouldn’t surprise me if the ONLY people that followed it would be the bookies, and the people dealing with the bookies.

I don’t like the fact that some bloke with more $$$ than sense can come in and “buy” world cricket. I was really pleased to read of the failure of the Stanford series.

I don’t like the fact that young up-and-coming cricketers (from all countries) have as their primary goal is to land a lucrative IPL contract, instead of aiming for the honour of representing their country. It would be a tragedy when IPL gets the first choice, and Test/ODI cricket gets the “leftovers”. I don’t have a problem if its the other way around however – Kevin Pieterson is a prime example – IPL can have him!

Pro20 has a place in world cricket, but it must remain a small place. One or two games can be played between two countries, ideally between a Test series and the ODI series. It should always be about having fun, entertaining crowds, and experimenting with new players. Pro20 must NEVER become bigger than Test or ODI cricket.

One upside is that ODI’s have become “bigger”, with higher run rates being chased, and higher scores achieved. But on the downside many of the purist strokes are becoming yesterdays news, making way for big, powerful blokes coming in with treetrunks in their hands, and “hacking” the ball to the boundary fence. I would hate to lose those classic shots, like Herschelle Gibbs’ lofted cover drive, or Sachin Tendulkar’s sublime wristplay as he flicks the ball off his pads. It would be a pity to lose all of that!

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Blue Bulls player: “Doctor, doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror – I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?”

Doctor: “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”

Brave Call

A rugby referee died and went to heaven. Stopped by St Peter at the gates he was told that only brave people who had performed heroic deeds and had the courage of their convictions could enter. If the ref could describe a situation in his life where he had shown these characteristics, he would be allowed in.

“Well,” said the ref, “I was reffing a game between the Blue Bulls and Natal Sharks at Loftus Versveld. The Bulls were 2 points ahead, 1 minute to go. The Natal wing made a break, passed inside to his lock. The lock was driven on by his forwards, passed out to the flanker who ducked blind and went over in the corner. However, the flanker dropped the ball before he could ground it, and as Natal were clearly the better side all game, I ruled that he had dropped the ball down, not forward, and awarded the try.”

“OK, that was fairly brave of you, but I will have to check it in the book.” says Peter, and disappears to look it up. When he comes back he says “Sorry, there is no record of this. Can you help me to trace it? When did all this happen?”

The ref looked at his watch and replied “45 seconds ago.”

Vicious Rottweiler

2 boys are playing cricket on a field in Durban, one is attacked by a vicious Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy took his cricket bat and managed to wedge it down the dog’s collar and twist,luckily breaking the dog’s neck and stopping its attack. A reporter sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

“Young Sharks Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal, “he starts writing in his notebook.

“But I’m not a Sharks fan,” the little hero replied.

“Sorry, since we are in Durban, I just assumed you were,” said the reporter and starts again.

“Western Province Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack …”

“I’m not a Western Province fan either!” the boy said.

“I assumed everyone in Durban was either for the Sharks or Western Province.” “So what team DO you root for?”

“I’m a Blue Bulls fan!” the child beamed.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,

“Little Bastard from Pretoria Kills Beloved Family Pet

Little Willie

Little Willie was in his junior school class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up;-

Fireman, policeman, salesman, politician; Willie was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

“My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer’s really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap room and let them shag him.”

The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring and then took Little Willie aside.

She asked him, “Is that really true about your father?”

“No,” said Willie, “My father plays rugby for the Blue Bulls, but I was just too embarrassed to say”.

Family Ties

Dear Dr Ruth,

I am a crack dealer in Kempton Park, Gauteng. I was recently diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in Hillbrow and one of my sisters, who lives in Benoni, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother were recently arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Brakpan. I have two brothers; one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Leeukop Central Prison for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I recently got engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Yeoville. She is now a part time “working girl”. All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her. Should I tell her that my cousin is Luke Watson?

The Operation

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. “Well” said the doctor, “this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain”. “That’s OK” said the Englishman. “I’ve always wanted to be Irish and I’m prepared to take the risk”.

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. “I’m so terribly sorry!!” the doctor said. “Instead of removing half the brain, I’ve taken the whole brain out”. The patient replied, “No worries, mate!!”

Balance

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, “Where have you been?”

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look Michael, look what I’ve made.” Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”

“It’s a planet, replied God, “and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance”.

“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

“For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.”

“Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people” God continued, pointing to different countries. “And over there, I call this place America.

North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?”

“Yes” said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, “What’s that one?”

“Ah” said God. “That’s New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found traveling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I’m also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them”.

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, “You said there will be BALANCE!”

God replied wisely. “Wait until you see the buggers I’m putting next to them”

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